Homework #2 - journaling

I just wrote a whole bunch and then went to check a text and most it all!

Ok. Tony has now asked me to start journaling. I am excited to restart this habit add I used to really enjoy journaling.

I have to keep a special focus on the SugarLady, the terrible sugar monster I have been in a relationship with fkr the last 31 years and I also have to take note of the times that I value myself and the times I don't.

Letting SugarLady have her way with me is because I don't believe I deserve better. But, SugarLady isn't the boss of me. I'm the boss of her!

I'm sitting at a Starbucks drinking horrible tea and listening to horrible music because I had a gift card and I have 2 hours to kill before my massage appointment. That is something I am doing fkr myself. But, mostly because of the gift certificate sis got me last year for my birthday.

Anyway, I just thought of something that feels kind of huge and makes a lot of sense. I look forward to SugarLady! She's something to look forward to. A bright spot in my dreary day. I think about her all the time and when we are finally together it feels comfortable and exciting.

I have a constant count of what story of sweet thing I have on hand, at home, what might be somewhere. I get sad if something runs out or defensive and angry if someone eats what I was planning on eating. I'm already planning on eating. Something to look forward to and to control it's happening.

Now I need to find other things to look forward to that I could do instead of going at with SugarLady.

Writing
Jewelry making
Healthy cooking
Coloring
The doodle book
Reading
A tv show
Dates with Katie

I need to take food off my priority list. I'm obsessed with food and what I am eating and what I'm NOT eating.

Sugar makes me happy. That's ok. 
It is ok that sugar makes me happy.
Lots of things make me happy. 

First Homework from Tony -

If I died tomorrow, what would I want to have accomplished:

I want to be a mom. First and foremost.
I want to travel to as many places as possible in a lifetime. Greece, Iceland, cross-country road-trip, all 50 states, the big national parks, mountains and beaches and lots of night skies.
I want to be healthy.
I want to find what fulfills me. What can I do to make a living and enjoy it? Speech Pathology? Sesame Street? Another path in Theater? Baking? Jewelry making?
I want to use my time. I do not want to waste precious time.
I want to spend time with my family.
I want to get over my fear of penetration.
I want to take the time to take care of myself
I want to love myself.

What would I want people to say about me;

I loved them well.
I was kind.
I was generous.
I was funny.
I was thoughtful,
I made delicious food.
I didn't care what others thought.
I was a good wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend.

What would I my legacy to be:

Love.
I want everyone to know that they deserve and are worthy of love and that they should give it out in abundance.

Testing my app

This is me tonight. Just downloaded the app on my phone and testing it out. Curious if I want to share this wholw thing with anyone or if I should keep it to myself. We'll see how things go, I guess. I really need to go to sleep now.

What is 31?

Hi.

My name is Patrice and I just turned 31. What does this mean? Well, nothing really except that 31 is my year. 31 is not when things will fix themselves. 31 is when I will take steps to take care of myself.

Tomorrow I start therapy. I am terrified.

My anxiety has built up to incredibly in the last 31 years that somehow it is difficult for me to do most anything.

It is time to change.

Let's see what happens. Let's see what is 31.